I would like to thank the fabulous people at The Novel Approach for allowing me to share this deliciously inappropriate blog post about my favorite topic, the penis.
If you’re a woman reading this, your husband’s, brother’s, father’s, and uncle’s best friend is his PENIS… or maybe he calls it The Banana, Tool, Wee-wee, Weenie, Pee-pee, Weiner, Ding Dong, Mini Twinkie, Winky, Thang, Member, Organ, Johnson, John Thomas, Wilson, Willy, Stick, Schlong, Wang, Choad, Pecker, Prick, Hog, Package, One-Eyed Trouser Snake, Tally-Whacker, Heat-seeking love missile, Beef Bayonet, Pork Sword, Little Soldier, Baloney Pony, My other head, Power Drill, Magic Wand, Joystick, Jack Hammer, Frankfurter, Captain Winkie, Summer Sausage, Basket, Long John Silver, Godzilla, Super Secret Agent Hosepipe, Willy Wonka, Wrinkles, Tubesteak, Mr. Winkie, Mini Me, Junior, Discostick, Coke Can, Pole, Harry Truman, Frank and Beans, Banger and Mash, One eyed monster, Hulk, Fun Stick and so on and so on! The penis has so many nicknames, it is impossible to name them all.
Here are my favorite top six, fun statistics about the D.
1. Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200
Wow, that’s a hot sticky mess. If a man is gay, double that amount. They say gay men have more sex and masturbate more than straight men do. Hey, gay sex is hot!
2. Average percentage of the male population that masturbates: 60%. Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%. The average percentage of the male population that say they don’t masturbate: 40%.
I feel any man that says he doesn’t spank his monkey is lying. Especially if the guy is young. Stiff washcloths and tube socks by the bed are a great indicator.
3. Average number of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7. Dr. Pepper has 150.
Jizz is Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers approved! Tip: Food can affect the way semen tastes. Some say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a buttery or fishy taste. Dairy products can create a foul taste. The taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest. Acidic fruits are said to give it a sugary pleasing taste. Even most alcohol does the same. Pineapple juice is said to be one of the best to um, sweeten up your spooge. Have your vodka and pineapple juice boys, it’s the best of both worlds. Other examples of good fruits are: oranges, mangos, kiwi, lemons, grapefruit, and limes.
4. Average length of the penis when not erect: 3.5 inches. Average length when erect: 5.1 to 5.5 inches.
Sorry size queens, this is true! According to my intense research on this matter, I have concluded that most men I have been with or seen naked were around 6 inches. Remember, it is not the size of the wand, but the magician behind it.
5. Only six percent of the male population needs the magnum-sized condom. Regular sized and even small condoms accommodate mostly all men.
Typically, magnums are only bought to boost the ego. Magnums are good for men that are bigger than 8.5×5.5. If you are smaller than that, then a regular condom should be fine. You don’t want it to look baggy like you have a Hefty bag on your penis.
6. 60% of all men, regardless of sexual orientation and race, shave or trim their pubic area.
The rest of these men need to! Can we say, “Mad bush?” I don’t understand why some men don’t weed whack their lawn. The most important reason to shave or manscape is it makes your penis appear larger! I’m not kidding! You will swear that you gained at least an extra inch in length! Even huge guys wish their junk were bigger (all guys wish their junk were bigger). Manscaping is a good way to create that massive illusion. I’m sure most gay guys have discovered this miracle, but there’s still some that are unpolished so to speak. If your wang isn’t regularly groomed, you most likely have hair at least part way up your shaft. Your Tally Whacker “appears” to begin where that hair ends. Remove the underbrush and your hidden length will be revealed. Bada bing bada boom, it’s like miracle grow for your Johnson. Ladies, convince your men to try this.
I hope you all learned something new today. For the first time ever, I think I’m all penised out! Okay, okay, maybe not. The penis sure is a wonder. Make sure you give him a hand or um… two.
Here is an exclusive snippet from my book Queer Dirty Laundry. This is one of my favorite scenes from the book featuring one of the character’s impressive attributes.
Excerpt: “Come on Jason! Get wet with me!” Dino shouted and splashed in my direction as I tried to walk by the hot tub. I thought he was extremely good looking. He had a swimmer’s build, was perfectly tanned, blue eyes, brown hair parted to the side and a devious white smile. The “you can’t say no to me” dimples tethered me close to the hot tub and almost made me say yes.
“Sorry Dino, I don’t feel like getting wet right now.” Truth be told I think I was already a little wet staring at his body. Dino stood up slightly and as he walked to the other side of the hot tub to be closer to me, I saw his erect penis skim across the water like a submarine looking for a dock. His cock was a car crash and I could not look away. It must have been obvious I was staring at it. At times, I swore it was winking at me. As Dino approached the other side of the hot tub, the other men moved out of his way. He parted the semen water as if he was the gay Mosses and propped himself up on the side of the tub with his arms dangling over. He is so hot! I thought to myself. He was just out of reaching distance to me. I knew it was driving him crazy.
“Oh, come on Jay-Jay! I wanna make you wet. Once you get in here, you’ll loosen up a bit,” he said with a wink.
“Yeah, I know, that’s what I’m afraid of.” I let out a nervous chuckle. “I’m on my way over to get a refill.” I held up my red solo cup to indicate it was almost empty.
“Well, I got a ‘beer can’ waiting for you in here.” He looked down at his crotch. He winked again and smiled. His dimples taunted me.
“I’m underage Dino; I can’t be seen with a beer can.” With that, I held my cup up to my mouth and knocked back the last sip of vodka and Sprite. I smiled at him when I was done. I patted his bicep as I walked by. Why did I touch him?
“You’ll say yes, eventually. I promise I will behave. I just want to talk. They always say yes to Dino!” He shouted as I walked off. I didn’t turn around to look at him. I figured it would be cooler this way and I knew he was watching me walk away, which was what I wanted.
THIS CONTEST IS CLOSED
I’d like to give a special shout out to my talented publicist, Joleen, from Parenthetical Author Services. If you’re an author and need help promoting your work, email her at PAS Author Promotions
Blurb: What would you do if everything changed in the blink of an eye? Life teaches us that everything happens for a reason. Every good or bad experience, every event, shapes us into the adults we become. We are our pasts and they shape our future.
In this nonfiction coming of age mini memoir, Kevin and Jason embark on an adventure to Philadelphia to visit friends and to get into their normal hijinks. Along their journey, they confide in each other the only way best friends can; through laughter, love and pain. They share stories of coming out, first time sexual experiences and dramatic events that changed their lives forever. This hilarious and heartfelt journey through the past can only strengthen their friendship in the present.
Your best friend knows all your little secrets. They know all your dirty laundry. Can you air it all out? How dirty is your laundry?
Jason Lloyd is the author of hilarious m/m romance featuring an array of interesting characters. Salty Aftertaste (Ginge Publishing, 2013) was his first creative non-fiction novel. It reached Smashwords Top Best Seller list in Gay & Lesbian Fiction and was the #5 best seller in the New Adult genre on All Romance eBooks (ARe).
His second book, Queer Dirty Laundry (Ginge Publishing, 2014), is a creative non-fiction novella and is based on his popular blog by the same name. In 2011, QueerDirtyLaundry.com was nominated for The Best of Gay Philadelphia under Best Gay Website/Blog. Jason’s blog was also in the top ten numerous times on Best Male Blogs.
Jason is currently working on an m/m romance and mystery/suspense fictional novelette series called Filthy Fibbers. Filthy Fibbers is centered on five friends and the scandalous secrets they keep. The book takes place in a small Pennsylvania town called New Hope.
Jason grew up in a small town in Bucks County, Pennsylvania outside of Philadelphia. A majority of his writing takes place in Eastern Pennsylvania including Philadelphia. He currently resides in a small town in Berks County, Pennsylvania.